(June) Now that I'm in the business world again,
- it's my job to distinguish - myself from the herd,
- to establish my own identity - and break out from the pack...
Which is hard for most people to do.
Of course, most people aren't Chloe.
Hey!
So there's this abandoned
subway station in flatbush.
Have you ever been there? It doesn't matter.
Anyway, so I show up
with a ton of licorice.
Have you ever seen "Becker"?
I don't have time for any of your crazy stories.
Mr. Harkin made me number two on a big presentation,
and I have a ton of work to do.
I hadn't seen "Becker" either,
which is what I was telling this Korean d.J...
And I mean Korean Korean.
And... (Gasps)
Hi. Hi.
Who's slamming doors?
Someone slamming a door in there?
Because I don't know if it's the acoustics or what,
but when you slam the door,
it's actually like
a straight shot into my eardrum.
Okay? It's right here.
The door slams right here.
So... okay, thank you.
(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ But I can tell you ♪
(Whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪ (Buzzer)
♪ Ba da da da da ba, ba da ba ♪
(Mr. Harkin) June? It's me.
Mr. Harkin?
No, you don't need to see me.
You just need to hear me.
Where are we with
the yoshida industries presentation?
I am in the middle of assembling
a long term, low risk...
So it turns out this Korean d.J.
Doesn't even have a work visa,
and the cops show up.
Luckily, it's friendly officer bill...
Not to be confused
with drag queen Billie club.
(Lowered voice) What are you doing here?
June, who is that?
I am so sorry, sir.
Um, that... That's my friend... Minerva.
I will be in your office in just a minute
with some preliminary numbers.
Minerva?
What are you doing here?!
I'm finishing my story.
Hey, are these calcium chews for anybody?
Chloe, this is my workplace.
You cannot come by here.
Don't be ridiculous.
I came by all the time when you worked at the coffee shop.
This is not the coffee shop.
Oh, really? Then what's he doing here?
Oh. June hooked it up.
Yeah, I come by twice a week.
It generates income for beans,
improves employee productivity,
and it's a great way to network.
I printed my resume
on the cup sleeves. See?
Is this readable at all?
I shoulda looked at a mock up,
but just so excited to get my life started.
June, what is going on?
The yoshida meeting is Monday.
They're expecting me to dazzle them.
I'm expecting you to provide
the information necessary
to do said dazzling.
Don't drop the ball on this.
Absolutely not, sir. I will be
in your office in just a minute.
Ooh! Workplace stuff. Fun.
Hey, remember how in bedrock at the end of the day,
they would pull a chicken, and it would scream
to let everyone know it was quittin' time?
What's your version of that?
What do you pull? What's your chicken?
Get... out.
Ew. You're mean at this place.
Text me if there's a lunch spread.
(Horn honks in distance)
Ahh.
I have too much money.
My wallet's so thick it's hurting my back.
Oh! Ooh! Mm! Look who it is!
It's the most important woman in the world!
♪ Da da da da ♪ ♪ da da ♪
(Robert and crissy)
The davises are here!
(Hums)
Uh, crissy and Robert, what are you guys doing here?
(Gasps) You're... you're visiting.
You sent me, uh, an e mail a couple months back,
and you just sent me a text
two days ago to follow up.
But yay! You're here.
We're so excited.
We haven't been to New York since our wedding.
(Imitates New York accent) Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Robert, now stop it because we
have a real actor in our midst. Oh!
James! (Giggles)
Nice to meet you, fan.
Thanks for coming. (Door closes)
James, you remember crissy,
my friend from Indiana?
We went to her wedding.
You... banged in the coatroom.
We did.
Uh, James is my freebie,
and, um, we just... We found some privacy,
and you started... You started kissing my neck.
No, no. Honey, honey,
that's not how it started.
You're telling it wrong.
Oh, sweetie, you tell it.
I am so sorry. He tells it so much better anyway.
Okay, okay, so, um, crissy was
kissing on James' neck...
Okay. While James played with her breasts
yeah. And fumbled with her corset.
(Claps hands) Corset in the coatroom.
Of course! Yeah!
It was a really fun wedding.
Oh! (Laughs)
I have a big meeting on Monday,
so I'll have to work all weekend.
But, uh, I have to eat,
so, uh, let's just have
a light Sunday brunch here.
Or... I could take us all
to the gramercy club.
And you get brunch, and you get
brunch, and you get brunch,
and you get brunch!
Everybody gets brunch!
And this is where I do six hours
of work behind the scenes
to make what James says magically happen.
Fernando? Hey, girl.
Brunch! I need a favor.
So... drag queen Billie club is telling me
about her new Sunday night dance party
"twerk Baton hot dog"
at tushes, and officer Billy wants to go,
but he's po po!
You can't have po po
at "twerk Baton hot dog"!
June, you are ruining brunch,
the most fun meal of all the meals,
and you are completely ignoring
your friends who came to visit you
all the way from who cares.
You're right. I guess can
I take a break. (Chuckles)
So, um, crissy, Robert,
what are you guys doing while you're in New York?
(Both, singsongy)
"Good morning America"!
Ah. I've done "g.M.A."
What are you promoting?
I'm kidding!
I know you're just people! Oh!
(All laugh)
Yeah, we're gonna hold up signs outside the window
and get on TV.
Uh oh. Better make mine a virgin mimosa.
Oh! Spoiler alert!
I am pregnant!
That's wonderful! James is not the father!
I know. Robert's the father.
(Both exhale deeply)
That's fantastic.
We conceived on the third night of our honeymoon. Yeah.
The first two nights, my mom was
still sharing our hotel room.
Oh, my god.
Excuse me. Um, I haven't drank in a while.
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
(Chuckles)
(Toilet flushes)
(Faucet running)
(Sighs) Ohh.
I feel a little light headed.
But it's okay.
I'll just segue to tea and get those files
over to harkin.
What's happening?
You landed yoshida.
But... but the yoshida meeting isn't until Monday.
Yeah, and today's Tuesday.
I... wh what happened to brunch?
Get this crazy bitch some brunch!
(Fox giggles)
(Door slams)
(Man) Way to go!
June, congrats on yoshida!
And I told my husband what you said on Monday, and he agreed.
Canceled the adoption. (Laughs)
Good! A lot happened on Monday,
and today's... today's Tuesday.
June, your advice yesterday worked.
The swelling's completely gone!
(Rattles)
I got it.
Thanks so much, June.
Si, se puede, right?
Mm hmm! Mm hmm.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up.
(Beep) Hi.
What happened to me?
Oh. You were blacked out for two days.
Why?! The last thing I remember
was being in the bathroom at brunch.
Yeah, so immediately before that,
I "black lightninged" you.
What? I put an herb
that I got off the Internet called black lightning
into your mimosa.
You've been so boring and self obsessed lately.
I wanted to shake you up like a snow globe.
What did I do while I was blacked out?
A lot of things.
Whee!
♪♪♪
Whee!
(Dance music playing)
Whee!
Can you believe I did that to you?
Pretty crazy of me, right?
So I'm there, about to walk yoshida through
our conservative investment proposal,
when you roll in, talking
high risk, high reward...
And you dazzled them.
They wanted safe. You called an audible.
And, lady, that's the kind of
thing that gets you promoted
from junior analyst
to senior junior analyst!
Huh?! Ha ha!
(Laughs)
Thank you! Ohh.
Just got off the phone
with the adoption agency.
Baby's canceled! (Laughs)
Good luck growing up in the Ukraine, baby.
You'll be cold, and I'll be drunk!
(Laughs) Whoo!
(Kenny loggins)
♪ Highway to the danger zone ♪
(Fan whirring, remote beeps)
(Turns off music and fan)
So loud!
I'm just taking a mind ride,
thinking about crissy's baby.
I mean, how could she be so sure
that it's not mine?
Wait. I'm confused.
Do you want the baby to be yours?
I just think it's weird
that with all the wild celebrity sex I've had,
I've never had a pregnancy scare.
You haven't?
(Laughs) Oh, honey.
Even I've had a pregnancy scare.
(Deep voice) Yo, I just want you to know
that I'm a be here for you through this whole...
It's negative!
(High pitched voice) Oh! Ah! Negative! (Laughs)
Oh! That was close, girl!
I mean, crissy can't say
anything in front of her husband,
but she says that they conceived
on their honeymoon.
We slept together on their wedding day.
That's pretty close.
Now that I think about it,
if I had to pit your sperm
against his sperm... (Gasps)
I would say your sperm would win!
I'll get a d.N.A. Test after the baby's born.
If it's mine, I'll just sue for sole custody.
Don't touch that.
But in the meantime,
what kind of lifestyle is crissy leading?
I mean, how much is she exercising? What is she eating?
Well, she did eat all the good bread at brunch,
I'll tell you that much.
Oh, you left us
the one hard, multigrain roll
with sunflower seeds in it?
Thanks, tubs.
Hmm.
Maybe we should make our "g.M.A." Sign in the hallway.
Nope, you're good.
Okay. (Sighs)
Here is what I have pieced
together from my blackout.
At 11:14 P.M., I sent myself an e mail
saying, "warn them."
And you think I'm gay,
which is insane to me.
Can you pass the glitter glue?
You know whose fault this is? Mine.
I did this to you on purpose for no reason.
It's pretty terrible of me, right?
I don't know. I mean, it seems like everything turned out okay.
I mean, we had fun,
and you agreed to hold up signs with us at "g.M.A."
Which is gonna be super great...
Although it is going to be difficult to top
our seven hours of strip bowling.
(Cell phone rings) (Crissy and Robert laugh)
"The Booty"? Who's the Booty?
(Ring) Oh, it must be a Booty call from Monday.
Oh, my god. What did I do? (Ring)
Did I hook up with somebody?
Who was that?!
Here. I'll call them from my phone,
and then I'll find out who was in your body.
Chloe, no. I don't know
if I wanna know who that was.
And then I'll put it on speaker.
(Beep, phone rings)
(Singsongy) Hello?
Hi. Who's this?
Chloe? It's Mark.
Mark?
What are you doing
answering the Booty's phone?
Is the Booty there?
(Laughs) Did June tell you?
Yeah, I'm the Booty, and she's cutie.
(Whispers) Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Hang up!
Hang up!
June? Is that you, cutie?
(Thud) Oh!
Well, I'm torn
because the poster's ruined, but...
There's a lot of glitter, which I enjoy.
(Mouth full) You know what I'm saying?
I mean, even if their honeymoon was delayed,
sperm can live for days
in a warm, moist climate.
Uh, can we please
talk about something else?
No, they're stopping.
Why are they... Oh, my god. Stop the car.
Oh, hi!
Hey, Luther, look! It's crissy and Robert!
James! (Laughs)
Wow! (Laughs)
June told us this cart has
amazing falafels.
You mean amazing miscarriages. James!
What? You know,
I read that good pregnants avoid fried foods.
Let's get you to the farmer's market,
get you a nice whole roasted chicken. Ooh!
That's all my mom ate,
and look at me. I'm in a limo.
Come on, hop in.
Okay.
(Speaking indistinctly)
(Allen gasps) Oh, you're the...
What's going on?
(Gasps) Your pig came.
We heard snorting, so we opened the box.
I can't believe I ever
used to hate you, June.
Now you have a pig. (Gasps)
(Giggles) What the hell?
2 day delivery. You must've ordered him on Monday.
(Whispers) Monday.
Is that his name?
That's a cute name.
Monday the pig. Great pig.
June, tell the guys from h.R.
They haven't heard it.
Heard what?
(Laughing) The dirty joke you told on Monday! (Allen laughs)
So filthy!
I started to tell it, but it's not really a boss joke,
if you know what I mean.
Go ahead.
(Laughs)
So, um... (Clears throat)
This, um... (Pig snorting)
Mexican... Oh. Ha!
That walks into a... (Snorting continues)
Penis...
June, everything all right?
You seem a little off today.
No. Yes. Oh, I I am not off.
I am on.
I am... I am super on.
Good.
Bring that energy to dinner with yoshida tonight.
Dinner?
They want you to walk them through your proposal
step by step.
Right! My proposal!
My Monday proposal.
(Chuckles) Monday just
doesn't end, does it?
Just bring this thing home.
I trust you, senior junior analyst
June colburn.
(Slaps back)
(Chuckles)
(Snorting)
I'm done holding him.
(Door slams)
Okay, June.
You have no idea what you
pitched to these guys on Monday,
but you can wing it.
You can channel Monday, June.
She is in there.
You can do this.
You can close this deal.
(Whispers)
No, you can't.
That was my mirror voice,
but I share the mirror's opinion.
You shouldn't have gone to work wasted.
Hey, I am under a lot of pressure.
I do not need judgment from you.
Hey! Don't you snap at Eli.
This is not his fault. It's mine.
So you point that mad face this way.
(Cell phone rings)
(Ring)
It's Mark again.
(Beep) Hello?
Hi, the Booty.
Bet you wanna talk to cutie.
She's right here.
No, I don't... Hi, Mark.
I booked the hotel room.
Oh. Okay.
That... that sounds like
something that we... discussed.
So meet there tonight?
We'll have some fun, like you said Monday.
Okay. Gotta go. Bye! (Beep)
Oh, god.
I gotta deal with that.
But first, I gotta deal with the yoshida account.
It's gonna go yoshida, Mark, the pig,
the grass stains on my clothes.
I'm the one that ordered you that pig!
I meant for it to be a panda!
I checked the wrong box.
(Woman on TV) Your baby is
now about the size of a kidney bean
and is constantly moving.
Well, we're gonna get going.
But you're only halfway through "healthy mommy, healthy baby."
(Baby cries) (Turns off DVD)
What's going on with you, James?
Why do you seem so upset?
All right.
(Sighs) Just hear me out.
This is difficult.
I know you said there isn't,
but there's a slight chance that that baby could be mine.
No. No, there's no chance
the baby could be yours, James.
But even if there was,
what's your plan here?
(Sighs deeply)
Okay, this is... This is
the really difficult part.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I...
I don't think you will be a good mother.
What? I'm just saying, I I don't think
you'll be a good mother.
I i... Don't...
Think you'll be a good mother.
(Scoffs) (Stammers)
No other words are revealing themselves to me
to convey this to you.
I think this is when we leave.
I cannot believe I wasted
my freebie on you, James.
Come on. W...
(Sighs) I mean, crissy, wait.
Wait. Wait.
I...
Don't think you'll be a good mother.
(Crissy sobs)
(Door slams)
So although the potential
for profit is extremely high...
So exciting. It's just like you said on Monday.
Your potential for bankruptcy
is also very high.
You could lose everything.
Or you could quadruple
your investment in three months.
High risk, high reward.
You believe in this strategy, right?
You think this is the way to go?
Arigato!
(Singsongy) Hey!
Hi. What are we drinkin'?
What are you doing here?
I was just out.
I missed you.
What? You're looking at me weird.
June, can I speak with you?
(Chuckles)
Is that Minerva?
What the hell is she doing here?
And why is it taking you so long to close this thing?
Where's that Monday dazzle?
The dazzle is still here, sir. It's just...
It's more... it's nuanced.
I don't want nuanced dazzle.
I want razzle dazzle!
Well, then get out of here.
Let me work my magic.
Your boss energy is putting
a damper on the dazzle.
You are freaking everybody out.
There's that Monday dazzle.
Close this deal.
Bring home the head of the bull.
Sever the neck of the serpent
with the sword of damocles!
Now get out of here, old man lingo.
(Laughs)
Oh, god.
She kidnapped them!
Chloe, this is the one hundredth message I've left you.
I'm not angry. I just want my clients back.
Harkin thinks this is still all
part of my master dazzle plan,
and... oh, god. Where have you
been?! Where are my clients?! (Beep)
I took them to an after hours party.
Pretty terrible of me, right?
I mean, what kind of person
would do something like that?
Well, w w where are they now?
I need to close this deal.
What do I have to do?!
You know what?
They're not gonna close this deal with you
because they agreed to close
this deal with Monday June.
And guess what? It's Thursday.
I am Monday June. No.
I I am always Monday June.
The dazzle is inside of me.
I know that you think that I'm safe and that I'm boring
and that's why you drugged me.
But you know what? I am not.
I am high risk, and I am high reward!
(Cell phone rings)
(Beep) What, Booty?!
Yeah, so I've been waiting here all night.
Uh, you're clearly not coming,
so I'm gonna go.
Oh, so you, too, huh? You all
want me to be fun and crazy.
You all want me to be Monday June.
Well, guess what?
Here she comes.
Get naked and wait.
Uh... (Beep)
I just have one stop I'll be making first.
♪♪♪
Just take a look at those snowfall totals.
Now, you know, it's chilly outside,
so coming up next, how about some recipes
to put the chili inside?
Of your bodies, we mean.
We're makin' chili.
Sam! (Giggles) (Laughs)
June!
Oh, my gosh. You came.
Of course I came.
I said I'd come to "g.M.A." With you, didn't I?
You seem rather agitated.
I am not. I am fun.
I am Monday June fun!
Delicious.
And the great part about this is... (Glass squeaks)
It works with Turkey, beans,
or even vegetarian.
♪ La la, la la la ♪
Well... Apparently everyone in the world
watches "g.M.A."
I lost the yoshida account.
Harkin is no longer promoting me to junior senior analyst.
He would've fired me,
but I gave him the pig.
Wow. Big day.
You won, Chloe.
You kept pushing me and pushing me
to be more fun and spontaneous
like you, and I cracked.
I cracked two fried eggs
on the "g.M.A." Window.
What? Two fried eggs...
When you push your boobs up against the glass.
It's a pressed ham when you do your butt.
Ham, butt. Eggs, boobs.
You think I've been trying
to get you to be like me?
I didn't black lightning you
or order you a pig, blow up your dinner,
and kidnap your clients
to get you to do fried eggs.
Then why did you do it?
Since you got that new job,
you're never around.
That's what this is?
You missed me?
No, I don't miss you.
I... miss you reacting to me.
I mean, if I can't come home from a crazy night
and shock you with my stories,
what am I even doing it for?
If a crazy, drunk tree
barfs in the forest... If Sean young
barfs in the forest,
and there's no one there
to see it, did it even happen?
Oh, my god.
You almost cost me my job
because you missed me.
You crazy bitch.
See?
Was that so difficult?
By the way, your left egg is smaller.
I freeze framed it.
I'm gonna put it on a t shirt.
(Knock on door)
(Door creaks)
You told me to get naked and wait.
I have to be honest with you.
Um... I don't really remember Monday.
(Chuckles) You're in my phone as "the Booty,"
so clearly we... No! No! (Stammers)
We were joking that we were
gonna write a detective show
called "cutie and the Booty."
I I put you in my phone as "cutie,"
and you put me in yours as "the Booty."
(Squeaks) Oh!
Okay!
(Laughs) Oh!
Uh, w wait. Why did I want a hotel room?
Yeah, that was unclear.
Uh, you said we'd have a good time.
What did I mean by "have a good time"?
(Laughs)
(Laughs) I don't know!
Ha ha! I do not know!
I I figured we were either gonna order a bunch of room service
and empty the mini bar, or...
It's a mystery.
It's a mystery! It's... it's
a case for cutie and the Booty!
Oh! (Laughing) (Laughs)
Whoo!
For the record, I like regular June better.
Um, Monday was confusing.
For me, too!
I don't know why, but my legs are so sore.
♪ ...your thang to the ground ♪
♪ Shake it off, get back up ♪
♪ Do it till you get enough ♪
♪ I know I told you, yes, I did ♪
♪ Don't underestimate the kid. ♪ (Door slams)
I promise next time you come,
I will show you a real New York weekend.
Oh, it took us a year to save up for this trip,
but thank you. (Laughs) (Laughs)
(Sighs) Yeah.
I... I'm a jerk. No argument here.
Robert, that's sweet of you to say, but it's true.
We did some further research.
There's no way the baby could be mine.
Our original understanding
of sperm was erroneous.
All that aside,
crissy, I'm sorry I said you'd be a bad mother.
It's not true.
And I would like to try to make it up to you
by offering to pay for the baby's college education.
The whole thing...
Phd, grad school, wherever he wants to go.
(Gasps) Oh, my god. (Laughs)
Wow! (Laughs)
(Whispers indistinctly)
No way. Mm hmm.
(June) Oh, my god! (Robert and crissy laugh)
How do people afford that? I'm rich, but I'm not crazy.
Uh, how about a microwave?
Luther, send them a microwave.